July 22, 2019, 7:39 pm

Just When You Thought It Was Safe


Author Topic: Just When You Thought It Was Safe  (Read 490 times)

Horse

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« on: 06/04/2016 03:14 »
It all began one spring afternoon in 2016 when Horse awoke from spending 5 years dead to avoid past wives and girlfriends. The details of how he spent all that time dead isn't important. In fact, he didn't remember any of it, so even if you asked him he'd just shrug his shoulders and walk away. He'd gotten rather good at just walking away before he ever decided to spend all that time dead, but it hadn't been enough. Sometimes one just has to be dead to convince people that one doesn't care.

But on that spring afternoon in 2016, Horse's alarm clock rang, and he bolted awake; even not caring was no longer an issue. In fact, the entire fiasco that had been his life had completely faded from his mind. It was like all those rebooted comic book and TV show movies that rely on 'alternate realities' to shoehorn-in changes, mainly so dollars and egos can flourish anew. Horse now lived in his own rebooted backstory, in a mind under new management, and totally uninterested in those thousands of years of complications and alimony.

Of course, all of the above is horseshit. Horse was just busy messing around with people's minds, just as he'd always done - except for the part where he didn't give a shit one way or another - not that he'd ever had.

Somewhere near a hot beach far out of reach of humanity:

Horse was laying on his back in the sun. Above him, in a stereo-typically azure sky, hung the sun like a bald incandescent light bulb; shade-less, relentless and wasteful. He was wondering how Hell got such a good name when the sun was, well... that sucker was hotter than Hell. He was staring at it because that was supposed to be harmful; bemused and not a little bit entertained by the fact that it had no damaging effect on his retinas. They were fake retinas anyway, what with him being in a somewhat clever simulation of a human being. It was one of his favorite simulations.

His hands were behind his head and one knee was propped above the other as he twiddled his toes in the sand. A crab took that moment to approach the glittering wonder of his toenails - shiny and white, painted with clear nail polish. It decided to daintily test the hardness of a big toe.

"Ow!" Horse shouted as he kicked the crab back out to sea.

Terribly disappointed by the fact that Poseidon had no sense of boundaries at all, he decided that his vacation of surf and turf on a deserted island had come to an end. He stood, all 6 feet 2 of lobster-red sunburned white dude, and brushed off the sand. Naturally, a sunburn to Horse was like a walk in the rain, and whatever pain there might have been was completely lost on him. Pain was for pussies.

Naked as the day the earth was made, Horse raised his hands into the air and pirouetted on the spot until a whirlwind of scarabs, so thick that all sight of him was lost, exploded around him and he truly disappeared.

So...

It all began one spring afternoon in 2016 when Horse suddenly appeared in a Starbucks, one of 128 in the city, and ordered a Frappuccino from a dude with a fluffy beard, wearing a bowler hat and a vest made of hemp and saltwater pearls.

When the drink was ready, he handed Horse the plastic cup with his name on it - more or less. "Humus" was written there, but such was life in any given American city. Horse smiled and silently cursed the Barista to Hell for all eternity. He may have forgotten that he actually had that ability, so it came as something of a surprise when the Barista simply vanished. Horse stared at the spot where the man had stood, wondering what happened. Then, when he realized his error, simply shrugged and walked nonchalantly out of the shop.

Once outside, Horse handed the coffee to a homeless guy with his hand out for donations to his `I don't want to die` fund. Horse could be rather tenderhearted after accidentally damning someone to Hell.

"Careful, that's cold," Horse said.

"God bless you, sir," the homeless man said in thanks for the coffee, and then began sucking it back like there was no tomorrow.

"It's a little late for that but I'll ask Him next time I'm making a delivery," Horse said. Then he started swinging a watch on a fob and took off toward the park, whistling. It was about sundown.

My pants are on fire. That's not really saying anything. All of me is on fire.

Horse

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #1 on: 06/06/2016 10:47 »
Horse walked lazily down the boulevard - down past the park, the bus station and at least two more Starbucks, a LL Bean and a 1950's style cafe. He almost went inside the latter, but changed his mind once he got a good look at the clientele.

"Yikes," he said without conviction. No self-respecting demon, even one of his power and influence, would bother. Although, he thought, it would be fun to wipe the self-righteous smirks off their faces. Then again, the entire city felt like it needed a good enema. At least to Horse.

City nightlife hadn't begun as yet, even as the sun blinked out on the horizon. Then he had a strange thought.

Am I naked?

He glanced down, just out of curiosity, and saw that he wasn't.

Damn. Think of the uptight morality I've missed, he thought.

After a moment entertaining the idea of going buff and doing a remake of the appearance of 'The Terminator', he decided against it. His five year holiday on a deserted island had taken the edge off his personality. He pledged to himself to work on that.

He was like a kid in a candy store, relatively speaking. Everywhere he turned he could feel, and sometimes actually see, candidates for a good whelping and soul retrieval, but let's face it - that gets a bit tedious after a few thousand years. Sure it's fun. Sure it's a service to humanity. Sure it's doing God's job for Him - the lazy old coot - but none of that gave him much of a challenge. It was like singing the same song for 50 years, or eating eggs exactly the same all your life. Boring. What Horse needed was a challenge. Something to take him out of himself and put his native and angry soul into sharp relief. Not that he hadn't done it before to unfortunate effect.

He decided to go to a bar. There was always some innocent forced to hang with assholes in bars. Sometimes you even find people who are just about to make a really stupid decision that would sling them on the highway toward a screwed-up life. Now that would be fun. Horse, at least the kind of demon that he was, found more challenge in people he couldn't control than people who were too stupid to know any better. Children, at least for Horse, were hard to control. Adults? No problem.

Horse hated children. Not because they were children but because they got under his skin. It was all that innocence and cuteness all wrapped in one package. And all those damn stupid questions that sometimes were anything but stupid. They made him mad, which consequently made him happy. If you asked him why he would say, "Because I'm normal."

Where's a bar when you need one? He thought. He looked left and saw two of them, a block apart, because booze was like a religion that required people to pray at regular intervals.

Yeah. Ok then, he thought. He liked the one with the time-honored naked woman dancing in a martini with one olive. He liked olives.

So, Horse materialized appropriate attire for the occasion. A clown outfit.

My pants are on fire. That's not really saying anything. All of me is on fire.

Isra

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #2 on: 07/19/2016 10:44 »
Isra sniffed delicately, once, twice, a third time.  Then, she walked out of the Starbuck's bathroom.  The smell was definitely stronger out here.

"oh, shit," she mutted under her breath as she noticed a couple of people in line staring oddly at the counter.  She peeked over.  Yep.  The remains of a good Go to Hell.

She plucked her iced coffer off her table and grabbed her bag off the back.  She checked her cell for messages, and when none popped up - from above or below - she sighed and dropped it back in the purple bag, pulling the unicorn zipper closed.  Apparently, she was on her own for this one. 

Cheking her pink pigtails in the reflective glass of some dull flower picture, Isra patted down her pockets.  Hell's bane.  Holy water in THICK glass.  Squirt gun. 

She stepped out on the street.  Who in the Hell was out of Hell this time?

Sometimes, in the dark, we see what we want to see.

Horse

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #3 on: 07/20/2016 11:39 »
Horse stood facing the shallow steps that led to the entrance of the bar. He took two steps. His flat orange clown shoes clapped the pavement like flippers, but the sound couldn't drown the preternatural utterance of metal against metal coming from half a block away. He knew that sound. It proclaimed itself like a golden calling card. There could be only one zipper that made that particular sound - a sound that cried out for unicorns.

Slowly, he twisted his neck to face the sound. A strange dread enveloped him. His eyes confirmed his dread.

"Isra," he whispered.

So much pink. Pigtails reminiscent of Harley Quinn. An air of 'cheerleader' surrounded her being, but there was something different about her. He had half a mind to simply disappear on the spot, but that was giving in. The other half of his mind wanted to throttle the color pink, and Isra was swimming in it.

So, with a disgruntled shrug, Horse turned and began flap-shoe walking toward Isra. He'd completely forgotten that he was wearing a clown suit, and that his face was painted white with a hideous red grin.

Now, a couple of yards away, Horse stopped and stared.

"Well shit, Isra. You couldn't leave some of the pink for someone else? You look ridiculous," he said, clown suit and all.

My pants are on fire. That's not really saying anything. All of me is on fire.

Isra

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #4 on: 07/20/2016 13:02 »
Isra shrieked and stepped back as the large clown turned and began to make its way towards her.  The crap these humans had given her kind to work with was just downright damn scary.  She began digging frantically in her pockets, trying to figure out her next best move.  Hellsbane or holy water?  Hellsbane or holy? Hellsbane or...

It spoke.  It knew her name.  IT INSULTED HER OUTFIT.

"UNCLE HORSE?!?!!"

She gave a half-second of thought to disappearing in a cloud of glitter just to avoid the conversation that was about to happen. Then, she remembered that she was an aggrieved party.  And she had tumbling practice that afternoon. 

Isra pulled her hands out of her pockets, leaving her goodies safely tucked away.  Not worth discussing right now.  She folded her arms in front of her chest and glowered at her uncle.

"And you look like a bad Hollywood remake."  She sniffed.  "Besides you were dead.  And I like pink."

She twirled.  "I guess you'll want your credit cards back now."  She sighed.  "It is true what they say.  You can't take it with you."

Sometimes, in the dark, we see what we want to see.

Horse

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #5 on: 07/20/2016 13:26 »
"Oh, I think we've established that you like pink. I mean, I still haven't screwed up the kahonas to repaint that damn bathroom."

But, she had a point about him looking like a bad movie remake - even if he thought he was doing really well at it. With a tremble he sloughed off the appearance. Of course, they were in public so he made himself look like his usual simulation. Maybe younger now because, well, he could.

"You can keep the credit cards. They're fake anyway. And I wasn't dead. Any more than usual. I was... yeah. I was dead on a deserted island, like a fox sipping mieties out of seashells and burning my balls in the sun. Everyone does that."

He'd noticed that she'd taken particular care in removing her hand from her pocket. It was a rather form-fitting pocket and there were funny little bumps there. Horse narrowed his eyes.

"You know I love you like a daughter, Isra, but you're hiding something. What have you been up to?"

My pants are on fire. That's not really saying anything. All of me is on fire.

Isra

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #6 on: 07/23/2016 14:43 »
"Demons with fake credit cards who die for a year or so on a deserted island because they don't know how to adult will never get the kahonas to repaint my bathroom," Isra said with feminine finality,sounding older than the high school graduate she was soon to be.  She pulled her cell phone out of her bag, jeweled case sparkling in the sun.

"Tumbling practice.  Getting into USC to study pre-law with a gymnastics scholarship."  She glanced up and down at the younger version of her uncle.  "In cheer leading there are all kinds of boys trying to put their hands under your skirt which turns out was damnable offense.  So, I got out quickly."

She put the phone in a back pocket.  "Got to be at the gym in twenty.  Any other fun family catch-up questions or are you going to make me late?"

Sometimes, in the dark, we see what we want to see.

Horse

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe
« Reply #7 on: 07/23/2016 16:28 »
"Interesting," Horse said as he closed the distance between them.

He narrowed his eyes as he took a good look into hers. Either she really was a typical teenage girl or she was bullshitting the bullshitter. Either way, she was hiding something - something she so much didn't want Horse to know about that she resorted to bullshit. Horse, naturally, wasn't moved by insults and hyperbole. They were tools of the trade. In this case, they were tools that Isra was using to misdirect Horse's attention. Or so he believed.

"I could always burn it down. The entire house. It's possessed by pink - poison to the soul. All without even thinking about a hand up your skirt. I've seen enough of that to hold me for the rest of eternity. Five years dead hasn't changed that. But all of that is beside the point, isn't it. You are hiding something. And as much as I really don't care, it still bugs me. I think partly because you have the after scent of a Vindicator. Nasty things they are - on righteous soul-gathering missions."

Horse spoke calmly, dryly, without emotion. But Isra wasn't just anyone. He'd seen her at her darkest moment and pulled a rabbit out of his hat that he'd lost long before to help her. Modern girls consider an offer of help as proof of patriarchal male privilege. Let's face it, the world of high school girls had become a world of conflict, competition and programming to think and be a certain way. Boys, apparently, were savages with only one purpose in life, and girls were now all beautiful superheroes on missions to avenge their fore-mothers. Mary Sues looking for a fight. In reality, all of them - boys and girls, were just immature men and women with socially created and perpetuated chips on their shoulders. Progress.

Who needs demons anymore? Everyone is now a demon of one sort or another. Even if Horse - and Isra too - was the real damned thing.

"So go ahead. I have no interest in keeping you from your important appointments, Isra."

Then he sniffed the air, curiously - like he got a whiff of gas or something. He glanced down to Isra's pants and the oddly shaped things that left impressions on the pockets.

"Well I'll be," he said with a chuckle. "Holy fucking water." He looked back into her eyes. "Exactly what have you been reaping?"

My pants are on fire. That's not really saying anything. All of me is on fire.

 

- Andromorphia Shout Box